As I saw in the new year last night I opened the front door, let 2020 out and in walked the glorious bastard that is going to be 2021!
This time last year was very different “Happy New Year Paddy I cant wait to meet you in a few days and spend the whole day with you xxx” said Agnes. Who thought that the year would go so so different to what I was thinking.
It was just after my Grans funeral. We “cheered” 2020 in with family. Tears flowed as we mourned her passing. Agnes had been great for me but it was hard.
A couple of dates later and weeks later we stopped everything.
Looking back now this was a sign that 2020 wasn’t going to be “my year” in the conventional sense.
Dating apps got installed on my phone again, swiping right became the new norm. Horny swiping, drunk swiping, sorrow swiping, all of the swipings that could exist I think I did them all in 2020.
February and some of March was the “I want to be with someone” swiping. Weeks of texting and phone calls for hours on end led to me having my first ever ghosting. This made me realise I never wanted to put someone through that again. One positive, not that I’d done much of it though. I did manage one date before lockdown came along. I learnt rugby positions and everything, she wanted to watch the rugby. Only issue was it was a shit ass rough pub that I found to watch it in.
Holidays planned, nights out arranged, seeing the news about this virus and not even thinking anything about. I’d met with Adam to discuss doing a Podcast and then Paddy was born. Conversations with my mum, you should always listen to your mum, they’re always right. I found this out a lot this year. Just don’t tell her I admitted that. “I won’t be going with my friends to Poland” to which I would say “Of course you are we will be fine its nothing to worry about” oh how wrong I was. She never did go to Poland.
When it started I was very naive. “A few weeks and we are out of this so I’ll smash the swiping. Get lots of dates set up and get talking to lots of new people.” Again how wrong I was. 9 months on.
I’ve grown though. And not my waist line, I’m glad to say thats shrunk. But, in areas that I knew but maybe needed so much free time to realise I already knew these things and to just be honest when it came to those things.
I’m a simple man. I like what I like. I went on a socially distanced date and tweeted about a conversation that came up, I thought I wasn’t ready to date after this. However, I knew this wasn’t the right answer. The growth I had before this date was the answer I knew was right.
One woman asked me “Why did you even match and message me” and I had to be honest. I told her I thought “at the time I wanted to start seeing someone and try find something serious. But I know now that isn’t what I want or need”
She never replied. Fair enough.
2020 might have been shit but it made me check myself and make sure I’m making the right decisions and not following the norms of society.
As we sit here now after Scarlett, social distanced dating and numerous conversations with so many people on the dating apps and on Whats App I know I’m in the best place for me. Single. But thats for now. I’m not saying thats forever but right now I don’t need a relationship. I need to keep working on me. 2020 showed me and gave me that time.
580 days since I last had sex, since I was in a relationship with someone. All things considered 2020 wasn’t a total wash out though. I came to accept that I can be happy on my own, this year re-affirmed that. I’ve been happy on my own in the past.
Maybe if it wasn’t for last year my situation would be totally different. Maybe I’d be writing this saying “Me and xxx have had a lovely Christmas” and I’m sure if that had happened if I had wrote it I would’ve meant it. If it had gone on for a year I’d like to think it would be happy otherwise I wouldnt have stuck it out.
So in a year thats been awful what can I take from it? Well I’m now more honest if I’m talking to anyone who messages me. Life is short and its not fair to lead people on. I’m happy on my own and I don’t feel panicked in to thinking I need to be with someone. I learnt a bit of Dutch, forgot most of it now like but it was there at one point. I’ve “met” some amazing people from doing this. I have spent more time reflecting on me and looking after me and taking care of me. So much more than I ever thought I would do. I’m starting to love myself and when I get there I’m sure thats when I will have the love to give and want someone to share that with.
2020 wasn’t conventional in any way shape or form. But it gave me the chance to find out what I really want at this time.
Apps have been removed and installed, they’ve been left untouched for days on end. And I’m fine with that. Right now we cant meet so why rush. I’m hoping that the start of this year gives me chance to keep working on myself, weight loss, finding myself, loving myself and being happy.
So fuck you 2020 for being a terrible year social but thank you for giving me the chance to start sorting my own shit out. And 2021 welcome. I hope I can have more social fun this year and I hope I can continue to grow and find myself so much more.