Firstly let me say thanks to @single20somthin on Twitter for giving me the idea to write about this topic. I’m sure as well, this will be something we discuss on the podcast at some point, I mean how can we not.
Ghosting, it must have happened to us all in the online dating world right? You think it’s all going great, you’ve spoke to that woman/man for days, if not weeks, hours on the phone and hundreds of texts. Then, nothing, worse than nothing silence. Total silence. Left on read or not even read at all. Shit!
The first time it happens the thought turns to “is it me? is it something I said or did?” The dating game doesn’t dictate that you should tell someone why you decided not to respond to them, in real life you wouldn’t have a conversation and then just walk off part way through it without saying anything to the person you are talking to would you, because that would just be plain rude. So why do we do it over texts? If you’re looking for a conclusive answer I’m sorry I don’t have it.
I’d consider myself lucky, I’ve probably been ghosted a handful of times, considering I’ve had a good number of chats via text and dating apps, along with a few dates i’m happy with that, or as happy as you can be at being ignored. I’ve also done the ghosting, but that’s even less than the amount of times I’ve been ghosted. Why did I do it? Its not an excuse and it doesn’t make it right, but I felt like the woman was more interested in me than I was in her, it even came up in conversation and I said as much to her, but there was still some persistence from her. I felt like ignoring her was the only way to stop it. Like I say, that doesn’t make it OK or right, I felt bad, I felt like a dick for doing it. The texts stopped and rightly so why would she want to keep texting me, I never heard from her again.
Being ghosted is shit, that’s why I felt like a dick for doing it. Now like I said earlier i’ve been ghosted, i’ve spent weeks, literally weeks, speaking to someone, firstly online, then Whats App and even on the phone, sometimes on the phone for hours on end to then, nothing, no text, no phone calls nothing whatsoever. Part of me wants to try getting back in touch with this woman, there was something about her I really liked, we made plans to go on dates and just plans in general for different things we would do. All seemed great. And then suddenly….nothing. FUCK. Now for as shit as I felt that it just suddenly stopped, it didn’t take me by surprise. I had friends asking me “what went wrong?” and “doesn’t it piss you off that this sort of thing happens? I couldn’t deal with that sort of thing!” but after a couple of times of it happening nothing surprised me with online dating, but what did go wrong? I have no idea, is the honest answer with this one but part of me would love to know if it was me or she just met someone else who interested her more than I did.
Hell i’ve even been on a date with someone, we’ve arranged to go on a 2nd date and text and spoke on the phone and then nothing for weeks. It wasn’t until I sent a message asking about meeting up again that I got a response, “Its not you its me” sort of thing. This was worse than the other one i’ve mentioned, we’d actually met up and had a good time together. Do I believe the “its not you its me” type situation, not usually, but this time I did, just from how we had spoke and the things she had told me, but why did it take me pushing for the next date to be sorted to get the message? I know people don’t want to hurt other peoples feelings, and this woman kept telling me how nice I was. I don’t know if that makes it harder to tell someone you don’t want to see them again or you want to stop talking, but, after being on the end of both these situations I feel like being honest is far better than just ignoring someone or not replying.
If you’re like me and like to overthink things you start to wonder if its a case of too much texting or did I text enough, did we speak on the phone too much or not enough, should we have met sooner or should I have not asked about meeting just yet? Theres no standard rules for any of this sort of thing, which makes it all a judgement of how you think it’s going and how you think the other person likes to take things. One misread signal or one missed signal and it can be game over. I’ve no ill feelings at all to anyone who has ghosted me, especially the 2 that I have spoke about, i’d like them to be happy and find what they want. I’m not angry, disappointed or upset that they went the way they did but I feel now I will be more honest if I don’t feel the connection with the person instead of just ignoring them or blocking them.
Whats happened with the others I’ve text or messaged online, well especially through this lockdown, i’ve just ended up killing off conversations or they’ve naturally just ended, do I regret that, no, I feel better that i’ve not just ignored them and its not that one of us have said its just not happening, its just conversations have naturally ended and obviously neither the women i’ve messaged or myself have felt the urge or need to message back to start up conversation.
Ultimately, women, tell us blokes why you don’t want to talk to us anymore, blokes, be honest with women, let them know as well. Life can be shit enough for people with pressures of social media and the perceived image of how people should look, lets not add on the thought/worry/upset of being ghosted