I’ve been in relationships since I was about 16/17. I had 5 years where I didn’t see anyone when I was about 25. So whats this post about I hear you ask, you can’t have fear of missing out (FOMO) when you’ve been in relationships can you. Well thats not where the FOMO comes from. I’ll explain.
I saw a post on Twitter, yes Twitter shock horror, that asked “Can you name all the people you’ve had sex with?” The answer was a massive YES! Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a bad thing, the FOMO comes from the amount of people its been and not relationships.
4. If you’re wondering. The answer is 4! If you can’t remember 4 names you’re fucked! Now i’ve always been aware this number is low, I’ve been in relationships for about 13 years since I was 16/17.
In true Paddy fashion I’m not giving them their proper names. I’m just going to refer to them as 1,2,3 and 4 in order of the relationships. I hope you can all follow this crazy logic. I’ll also throw in the almost one night stand.
1 she was the V card taker, obviously. The first girlfriend you have who you think will last forever and ever. No? Just me? Well whatever, I thought it was going to be magical OK, don’t judge me!
No one tells you how awkward that first time is going to be, how underwhelming it feels because neither of you really know what the fuck is going on.
It went on for about 6 months, not the first time, the relationship. Then we split up after a lads weekend away. She copped off with someone else. My heart was broken, I had tasted vanilla teenage sex and I thought I would never get it again and that life was over. Not dramatic at all!
This was the first of 3 long term relationships i’ve had. She was 6 months older than me, to this day the oldest i’ve been with. As a horned up teenage lad I invited her back to mine after a night out. I hoped I’d get sex. Instead I got a night of talking. Without sounding like an asshole either, not the kind of we stayed up talking all night connecting on so many levels, type of talking.
2 wasn’t very adventurous, sex under the covers, lights off, no looking and that wasn’t just at the start that was all the time. For nearly 4 years! She once offered to give me a blowjob, of course as a the aforementioned horned up teenager I jumped at the chance. Imagine my shock when she went down for about 5 minutes, didn’t make me cum and then said that was it. It was over. The blowjob, not the relationship.
I spoke to my mate at the time and asked if this was what sex was like. He said it was the same for him. I presumed it was how things would be. I thought the documentaries i’d seen on sex were all just a lie. OK, so by documentaries I mean porn. And of course we all know porn lies!
This time I thought it was going to be forever. I thought I would be following the same path as my brother. We bought a nurses uniform and a rampant rabbit*. Neither really got used, other than the day my uncle helped us move house and switched it on in the bag for a joke.
*I just want to say I don’t know if my brother and his other half bought these things. I just mean the same path as in getting married and that sort of thing.
Sex became a chore. Unexciting and felt scheduled. A few days before her birthday and our 4 year anniversary I left. Not because of the sex.
Ah 3. Good old number 3. This was one who opened my eyes. She made me realise sex didn’t have to always be missionary, lights off and under the covers ALL THE TIME.
She was confident, bold and she would be happy to do pretty much anything. It was regular, often and it was always good. She lived quite a distance from me, we’d get webcams and go on MSN for each other to keep things interesting. We’d have phone sex and we were both just quite sexual driven.
3 was a squirter. The first time this happened I had no idea what was happening. She told me that it was the first time it had ever happened. Every time after that she would squirt. That was pretty hot! I don’t know to this day, how true it was that it was the first time it had happened for her.
I thought this was the holy grail of sex. Whereas before it had all pretty much been standard bedroom this time it was blowjobs while driving down the M1, sex down a country lane in the back of a tiny car, playing with each other as we drove round a safari park. These were the sort of things I wanted!
The it ended. Shit! Was sex like that gone forever?
The Nearly One Night Stand(s)
So i’ve never had a one night stand. I’ve come close, twice. Maybe 1 and half times. Let me explain.
ONS 1 – she invited me round to hers, we ended up in the pub with her brother, yep I know weird. We sat up drinking and playing Uno with the brother until about 1am. Now I had an idea this girl was interested in me. I’m shit at reading signs but it became quite obvious, even to me, when she shoved her tits in my face in the kitchen.
When the brother went to bed that was it. Now I’d drunk a shit load of booze. She stripped off undid my jeans and tried to ride me. She became frustrated because it wasn’t happening. I had to tell her she’d need to do something to get me hard. Brewers droop had set in. The one and only time. It ended there when she seemed to get bored or fed up of giving me a blowjob. There came the end of the first near ONS.
ONS 2 – A woman had asked me to pick her up in town. She wanted to escape her friends on a night out. She wanted to talk. We’d had a kiss and some flirty texting previously.
I picked her up. She asked me to take her somewhere quiet. We drove round and found somewhere. She grabbed my hand after she undid her jeans and put my hand down her pants. As she did this I asked “Are you sure?” she’d just started dating someone, relatively early days and just a couple of dates nothing serious, and I didn’t want to fuck that up. A couple of minutes later she said “Ah shit yea maybe we shouldn’t do this!” I took her home that was the end of that.
So the ONS opportunities were short lived and didn’t really ever take off. I got a half assed blowjob and a quick play under a pair of jeans. I’m not really sure which one is the half. I think ONS 2 would be. At least ONS 1 tried to ride me.
The last one. Oh 4, what can I say about 4. She was as adventurous as 3 in the end but took time to get there. I’m fine with that I get it. I can be a bit shy at the start and like to get comfortable with someone before going lights on and covers off etc.
Again, like 3, 4 was often up for it. We shared a lot of the same taste in things we were in to sex wise. The sex was good. Again I don’t think there was a time that it ever seemed boring. We always had a lot of fun. We would tease, we would sext and we would just get each other going for when we would see each other.
A time did pass where we had nothing, due to things she had going on. Shit happens. But things changed and we got back to being often and enjoying it.
And then about a year and half later that ended.
This will sound ridiculous now. So you’ve heard the relationships. Now here’s the FOMO.
I fear I’m missing out on one night stands and friends with benefits. I fear that I haven’t slept with enough people. Personally I don’t want to get to 10 years from now and be in a relationship and think “Should I have done it? Should I have gone out at 35 when I was last single and just had a load of fun?”
I’ve not been shy in saying recently I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship just yet. I don’t know if thats a lockdown thing or if its the FOMO kicking in. I always told 4 that I would never get in to a relationship if we ever broke up. I’d boldly claim “I’m living the Tinder lifestyle if me and you break up 4” and she’d laugh. It was a bit of a running joke before we broke up.
Again, I’ve made no secret I enjoy sex. I say this in a 14 month dry spell. But I also say this as someone who is quite shy at the start when talking to someone new. I often think “If I ask this woman I’m talking to if she wants to have sex she’s just going to laugh and tell me to get fucked. And not by her!”
Whatever I do though I need to decide. I still feel like I’m a bit broken, not from relationships or from dates, just in general. Like I need time away from dating and looking for a potential long term thing. Relationships are great, but you need to be in the right mind for them I think.
I want to get 10 years down the line and think “Yea I tried the lifestyle I had a good go of things. I’ve really enjoyed a mad couple of years of nothing but lots of sex” but in reality I’d rather be sat here in 10 years time saying “I tried it I went out I had dates and met people just for sex. I lived a bit of the Tinder live” whether I like it or not who knows, but, I’d like to be in a place where I could say either way instead of having that feeling of the Fear Of Missing Out.
People will have differing opinions on this. I get that. Some people won’t like this mindset. Some people will say do it. You only live once, YOLO, all that sort of thing. You have to do whats right for you. Right now I know relationships and dating to find something long term isn’t right for me. I don’t want to lead anyone on thinking that could happen.
These next few months will be interesting, for me anyway, you lot will probably be fed up of me and bored. But who knows where it will go.
Will I get rid of FOMO? Will I get to a point where I have a one night stand and think “This isn’t me I don’t want that again” or will I somehow end up in a relationship when its not what I’m looking for? Who the fuck knows. But i’ll be sure to keep you updated with it all.