Paddy’s handing over the writing of the blog today to @lifehostage32, its a woman’s perspective on the apps. These are her words. Enjoy.
Now, I don’t know about you, But I find online dating really hard work. Firstly, in order to be in the ‘zone’ for it, I must ignore all my inner voice telling me it never ends well (there will be more of this in future posts, I’m not just impatient I promise!) Then following on from that, there is all the admin.
I love a swipe ( so do my friends after a few wines – sometimes they pick pretty well to be fair! – we all need a good wingman in our lives don’t we?), I have a general criteria for guys that I am pretty confident in, it’s pretty traditional, tall, handsome, non-smoker (deal breaker online and in real life is this) , not 100 miles away, open and friendly face, doesn’t look like a murderer. Should be simple right????
I’ll steal my pinned tweet now, to let you know the extensive lists of NO’s I have learnt from my time on Bumble.
Too short, long hair, bald heads, nipple piercings, profile picture has girls or animals in it, smokers, Called Tom ( this is a very significant one and I will probably get round to this story at some point ), Gym selfies, snapchat filters ( we are NOT 12), Groups shots ( like I’m going to try and work out which one he is) Guys who say stuff like ‘are you in my league?’ ‘do you have the WOW factor’ when they are only about a 6 themselves, have sunglasses on in all their photo’s ( there is a great first date story which led to this one), Holding random babies ( which they are keen to point out are not their own), Topless / topless at the gym, In bed ( trying to be) Sexy and lastly but not least and I am sure there will be more in future, the timeless classic … you know what it is …….
Holding a fish.
So, once I am finally past this, and let me tell you now, this is the exact reason that online dating is barbaric …… people are so set in their criteria I am sure we all miss good ones all the time. I bet probably 60% of the time ( I’m an analyst at heart but this is a ‘man in the pub’ stat) , people we meet and date in real life wouldn’t always meet this criteria, but it seems to matter less for some reason. I am aware of this, so keep the hate mail around my fussy nature to a minimum please at least let me get to the point ( I am sure there will be one somewhere) before you file a complaint to Paddy.
You have to think of a great opening line. So, this is the best thing and the worse thing about Bumble all rolled into one. It’s great that you don’t instantly have an inbox full of guys you aren’t interested in, the pressure though, it kills me. What also kills me are the guys who say things like ‘don’t just say hey, I wont reply’. Ok, so if you’re at the bar (pre-Covid peace times, obvs) and a girl you like the look of comes over and says ‘Hey, how are you?’ you’re going to turn the other way and ignore her right? Of course you’re bloody not, so what makes you think it’s ok to be so goddamn demanding when hiding behind your phone eh? We shouldn’t need to have an amazing and witty opening line every time… some of us are just normal people looking for love you know. Sorry about that, digressed for a small rant, but you get my point.
I’m pretty lucky, I get quite a decent amount of matches, but no one tells you quite how time consuming this will then turn out to be…. And how complicated. At one time, I was talking to over 20 guys in the early conversations of matches. Eight of those, yes eight, were called James. None of them stood out from the offset, so this required me to read back each conversation EVERY SINGLE TIME to make sure I wasn’t repeating myself (no one deserves to feel like they have been copied and pasted!) my enthusiasm for this quickly disappeared I’m afraid. I might have lost a good one amongst the chaos, but I just couldn’t keep up.
And that right there is the problem.
Us girls can be a bit easy to take offence if we think a guy we like and have been chatting to just disappears without a trace, but perhaps, like me in this situation he just can’t keep up with the amount of chats and some significant culling had to be done. I have been known to delete the app entirely without giving anyone of the matches my number, only to start again a few weeks later when I feel more up to it. It can be like having a full-time job, and I already have one of those. This online dating lark is hard work. And that’s before you even get to the actual dating bit!!
Usually, after a few days or so, I will know who I want to talk more with, I tend to move to WhatsApp them, I like a video chat and a voice note before I decide whether or not I want to meet them, I am a very physical person and I need the chemistry, you can never be sure until you meet in real life, but I have learned from many experiences these extras do help me to pick the right ones to meet ( more of this to come in the next instalment!)
In all the time I have been online dating – there has been just one stand out profile to me … in his ‘we will get along if’ section he had written ‘if you like kissing and wine’ Well, it just so happens I ADORE kissing and wine, there was no need for a boring opener for that one. We hit it off almost immediately. We enjoyed a lot of kissing and wine together before Covid turned up. He wasn’t my forever and we both knew that, but he was really rather lovely and I count him as one of the very few success stories of bumble even though it didn’t turn into a full relationship. He cheered me up, made me laugh, made me feel attractive and that was exactly what I needed at the time.
I’ve been very harsh here, but occasionally there is a good one amongst them all. The trick is being about to identify them early on and to focus. Stop swiping when you’ve got 5 or so conversations going, then as the fizzle, swipe some more. Don’t overload. Don’t have FOMO. You don’t have to finish the whole of Bumble within 20 miles on the first day, just take your time. Don’t let the admin make you want to give up….